MACD 5/MACD 5.bin/internet/irc_i_dodatki/kuang/kuangeleven28.lha/Rexx/Splatt.amirx

Text File | 1997-01-04 | 19KB | 588 lines

/*                                                                            */
/*                          Splatter Script 1.1                               */
/*           Stolen from "Slack" and rewritten by K. Stenström                */
/*                          ([e-mail])                               */
/*                                                                            */
/*        Slack is a script for ircII put together by Rev. Krusty             */
/*                        ([e-mail])                              */
/* History:                                                                   */
/* -Few Minor bugs corrected by Blink. Could be more, but I ain't look'n ;')  */
/* -Fixed by Ariel to accept channel as argument                              */
/*                  Part of Kuang Eleven v2 AmIRC distribution                */


PARSE ARG nick channel rand .

options results

getmynick
MN=RESULT

IF nick = "" THEN DO
    "ECHO P=«sPlAtt» Usage: sPlAtt <NiCk>"
    EXIT
END
IF channel = "" THEN DO
    "GETCHANNEL"
    channel=result
END
IF rand = "" THEN DO
    seed = Time(secs)
    rand = Random(1,70,seed)
END

/****************************************************************************/


IF rand = 1 THEN DO
    "SAY /me notices that "nick" is idling.."
    "SAY /me decides to get rid of "nick""
    "SAY /me me picks up "nick" and throws "nick""
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Problem solved!"
    EXIT
END


IF rand = 2 THEN DO
    "SAY /me grabs "nick" by the hair and jams "nick" face first into the toilet"
    "SAY /me does the royal flush."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" ba-WHOOOOOOOSH!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 3 THEN DO
    "SAY "nick" - what is your name?"
    "SAY "nick" - what is your quest?"
    "SAY "nick" - what is the average air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" what? you don't know that?"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 4 THEN DO
    "SAY /me notes "nick" has been poisoned!!!!!"
    "SAY hmmmm odorless.... tasteless..... hmmmmmm"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" aha! Iocane powder !!!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 5 THEN DO
    "SAY Ha "nick", so you think yourself my equal...hmmm..."
    "SAY But I have something I must tell you..."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" You see "nick", I am not left handed."
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 6 THEN DO
    "SAY /me opens a cannister of liquid nitrogen."
    "SAY /me dumps it all over "nick""
    "SAY /me laughs as "nick" become stiff, then shatter into thousands of gleaming shards."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" TERMINATED!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 7 THEN DO
    "SAY /me pulls out a bottle of nitric acid."
    "SAY /me splashes it in "nick"'s face."
    "SAY /me watches "nick" as skin runs in rivulets from bone until only a pool remains."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" that's gotta hurt!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 8 THEN DO
    "SAY /me pulls out a finely engraved iron wrought long sword."
    "SAY /me runs "nick" through and waits until "nick" stops gurgling."
    "SAY /me then yanks the sword up through "nick"'s spine, rib cage, and lungs."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" at least "nick" won't feel that in the morning"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 9 THEN DO
    "SAY /me grabs "nick" by the neck and props "nick"'s mouth open."
    "SAY /me stuffs large quantities of tiny little candies down "nick"'s throat."
    "SAY /me sets "nick" attaches a hinge joint to "nick"'s neck"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" PEZ anyone?"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 10 THEN DO
    "SAY /me becomes a magical conduit between the Prime and Negative Material Planes"
    "SAY /me then touches "nick", draining "nick"'s life essence away"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" What life? He's on irc all the damn time!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 11 THEN DO
    "SAY /me approaches "nick"'s swaying body."
    "SAY /me takes hold of "nick"'s neck."
    "SAY /me removes "nick"'s head and spine from it's body."
    "SAY Rrrrrriiiiiiipppp!!!"
    "SAY /me turns "nick"'s head to show "nick" the lifeless body."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" it's been relieved of a useless member.HaHaHa"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 12 THEN DO
    "SAY /me approaches "nick"'s fear paralyzed body."
    "SAY /me thrusts a hand into "nick"'s chest."
    "SAY "nick"'s rib cage is seperated."
    "SAY C-rrrrrraaaaaaaa-KK"
    "SAY /me withdraws the still beating heart and shows it to "nick"."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Here "nick", have a heart. HaHaHa"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 13 THEN DO
    getmynick
    myoldnick = upper(result)
    "SAY /nick _Sonya_"
    WAIT 3 secs
    "SAY /me gazes upon your quaking body."
    "SAY /me undresses you with her eyes and moves her hand to her lips."
    "SAY /me blows you a kiss which takes the shape of a flaming ball."
    "SAY "nick"'s body is consumed by the 'Flames of Lust.'"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" I lose more good lovers that way. HeHeHe"
    "SAY /nick "myoldnick""
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 14 THEN DO
    "SAY I know what you're thinking "nick": 'did '||MN||' shoot 5 or 6 shots'"
    "SAY you've just got to ask yourself one question: do you feel lucky, punk?"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" well do you?"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 15 THEN DO
    "SAY /me hates violence."
    "SAY /me hates violent people, too."
    "SAY /me thinks that "nick" is too violent."
    "SAY /me grabs "nick" by the neck and lifts "nick" off the ground."
    "SAY /me shoves a fist through "nick"'s midsection."
    "SAY /me head-butts "nick"'s surprised face before dropping "nick" to the floor."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" I'm a nice guy, really."
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 16 THEN DO
    "SAY /me looks bored."
    "SAY /me decides to interest himself by mangling "nick"."
    "SAY /me shoves a fist into "nick"'s chest and pulls out a handful of capillaries."
    "SAY /me begins knitting a sweater."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Knit One, Pearl Two"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 17 THEN DO
    "SAY /me wonders where "nick" really came from."
    "SAY /me does a smathering of research, only to discover that the best part of "nick" ran down some whore's leg."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" We can always try again later, honey."
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 18 THEN DO
    getmynick
    myoldnick = upper(result)
    "SAY /nick ElmerFudd"
    WAIT 3 secs
    "SAY Shhhhhhhhh!!! Be vewwy vewwy quiet...I'm hunting wamers...Huhuhuhuh"
    "SAY Wook!! a wascawy wamer!!!"
    "SAY KaBoom!!!!!"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Oh! No!  I killed the wamer!!!"
    "SAY /nick "myoldnick""
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 19 THEN DO
    "SAY /me waves an ancient druid sceptre over "nick""
    "SAY /me chants 'KLATU! VERATTA! NIKTU!'"
    "SAY /me waits as nothing happens"
    "SAY /me says "Fuck this" and busts the sceptre up "nick"'s ass"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" That's GOTTA hurt!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 20 THEN DO
    "SAY /me follows "nick" to a party one night"
    "SAY /me waits until "nick" goes inside and then breaks into "nick"'s car"
    "SAY /me exchanges "nick"'s MegaDeth CD with the new Enigma CD"
    "SAY Later that night, "nick" decides to crank some tunes on the drive home"
    "SAY "nick" falls asleep at the wheel and plows into an Exxon Truck"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" BOOM!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 21 THEN DO
    "SAY /me kicks "nick" through a time warp where "nick" lands at the Jim Jones incident"
    "SAY Jim Jones says 'Hey "nick"! How about some PurpleSaurus Rex Kool Aid?'"
    "SAY "nick" chugs a pitcher and says 'damn, why is this stuff so good?'"
    "SAY Jim Jones says, 'Well "nick", it's either the nutrasweet or the cynanide!'"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" "nick" shoulda had a V8"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 22 THEN DO
    "SAY /me shows "nick" a broomstick and some vasseline"
    "SAY Suddenly some cheap 70's porno film music comes on [BOOMP-CHICKA-BOOMP-BOWWWWW!]"
    "SAY "nick" decides he'd prefer not to take chances and runs like fuck"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" And don't let the door hit ya on the way out!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 23 THEN DO
    "SAY oh boy "nick" - thanks for being a complete dork"
    "SAY /me paints a red X on "nick"'s butt"
    "SAY /me takes careful aim...winds up left boot"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" going... going.. gone!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 24 THEN DO
    "SAY When you have eliminated "nick", what ever remains, however improbable, must be cooler"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" -Sir Arthur Conan The Barbaraian-"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 25 THEN DO
    "SAY /me thinks "nick" needs an enema..."
    "SAY /me pulls out a chainsaw and jams it up "nick"'s ass!"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Vrooom!!!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 26 THEN DO
    "SAY If a tree falls in the forest and lands on "nick"'s head..."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" does anyone care?"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 27 THEN DO
    "SAY "nick", have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" you see... I ask that of all my victims..."
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 28 THEN DO
    "SAY Children in Ethiopia don't even have IRC!!!@!#@!#!#!#@!!"
    "SAY "nick": You should be ashamed of yourself!"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Now signoff so others can have a chance to use your server."
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 29 THEN DO
    "SAY /me draws a browning 9mm and sights on "nick""
    "SAY /me fires a volley of shells into "nick" with a satisfying series of wet noises"
    "SAY /me watches as "nick" slumps to the floor nearly cut in half by the shells"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" well, at least "nick" won't feel it in the morning"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 30 THEN DO
    "SAY /me : w00p w00p <=-=> *** LAMER PROTECTION ENGAGED! ***"
    "SAY /me : w00p w00p <=-=> *** TARGETTING LAMER ***"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" *** LAMER REMOVAL COMPLETE ***"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 31 THEN DO
    "SAY "nick" is a witch!!!"
    "SAY and what do we do with witches???"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" BURN!!!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 32 THEN DO
    "SAY /me forces "nick" to listen to 'Achy Breaky Heart'"
    "SAY Don't hert mah hart, mah achey breaky hart.."
    "SAY /me watches as the music coarses through "nick"'s head!"
    "SAY Don't hert mah hart... <AAAHHHHH!!!>"
    "SAY /me laughs as "nick" shrivels up into a little ball."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Country music: get's em every time"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 33 THEN DO
    "SAY /me change "+o "nick"" by eu.undernet.org"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Netsplit hack detected by you."
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 34 THEN DO
    "SAY /me looks in the dictionary and thinks of what to do to "nick"..."
    "SAY Hmmmm... kiblah.. kibosh.. ahh here it is, kick."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" the Webster kick"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 35 THEN DO
    "SAY /me turns on the TV and starts watching COPS."
    "SAY /me sees that they're going to bust down "nick"'s door!"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Can't have them find you on here, now can we?"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 36 THEN DO
    "SAY does "nick" think i can listen all day to such stuff?"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" be off or i'll kick you down stairs"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 37 THEN DO
    "SAY /me stuns "nick" with a series of punches to the head"
    "SAY well "nick" since you don't have a good head on your shoulders, there's no reason to keep it there"
    "SAY /me rips "nick"'s head clean off and tosses it into the wastebasket"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick||' '||MN||" shoots, "||MN||" scores"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 38 THEN DO
    "SAY /me extends both hands downward at right angles to the body and turns towards "nick""
    "SAY /me does a spin kick stunning "nick", then does a knife hand to "nick"'s lower stomach"
    "SAY /me rips out a handful of "nick"'s innards and stuffs them into "nick"'s mouth"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" i'm a nice person, really"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 39 THEN DO
    "SAY /me climbs into the watchtower while no one was looking"
    "SAY /me loads up a AK-47...click... and looks around"
    "SAY /me unloads on the crowd below"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" You've been hit in the crossfire"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 40 THEN DO
    "SAY /say Coming to America Kick"
    "SAY Fuck You"
    "SAY Fuck You"
    "SAY and Fuck You"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" who's next?"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 41 THEN DO
    "SAY "nick", you have failed to grasp the lesson..."
    "SAY "nick", approach me that you might see..."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick||' '||MN||" does a flying spin kick to "nick"'s head..."
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 42 THEN DO
    "SAY oh, "nick", so you think I don't mind?..."
    "SAY /me shouts 'PULL!' and watches as "nick" is thrown through the air!"
    "SAY /me grabs the trusty shotgun and blasts "nick" outta the air!"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" think again"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 43 THEN DO
    "SAY /me eyes "nick" balefully"
    "SAY /me pulls out a portable hole"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" take your nappy ass outta here!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 44 THEN DO
    "SAY /me decides that "nick" has had it too easy"
    "SAY /me looks around and grabs a cheese grater"
    "SAY /me uses the cheese grater on "nick"'s face!"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" ..."
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 45 THEN DO
    "SAY AUGUIMEN VICEN LUMENECI !!!"
    "SAY /me waves the right hand and casts continual light on "nick""
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" let you stand as a shining example to your kind"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 46 THEN DO
    "SAY ENEMAI OFT MI SPIRU CRIE!!!"
    "SAY /me releases "nick"'s worst nightmares from "nick"'s mind..."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" hehehe... i unplugged "nick"'s computer so "nick" can't irc"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 47 THEN DO
    "SAY /me finds that "nick" is being obnoxious"
    "SAY /me sneaks up and pastes a "Kick Me" sign to "nick"'s back"
    "SAY /me waits for people to take "nick" up on the offer"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Fuck that! How could I forgive myself if I missed a chance to kick"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 48 THEN DO
    "SAY "nick", halt or I'll shoot!"
    "SAY /me releases arrow...*Twang*...*Thud*"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" hmmmm good thing "nick" halted or I might have missed"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 49 THEN DO
    "SAY "nick" please stay tuned for station identification"
    "SAY you are tuned into KRAD, we don't brake for wimps"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" we just kick for them"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 50 THEN DO
    "SAY /me finds that "nick" is becoming overzealous"
    "SAY /me turns "nick" into...a hari krishna!"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Where is the nearest airport anyway?"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 51 THEN DO
    "SAY hey "nick"...lets do the Mamoshka!"
    "SAY /me throws three daggers into the air...*Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk*"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" damn... "nick" should of told me "nick" had never Mamoshkaed before"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 52 THEN DO
    "SAY "nick" you have violated one of the first unwritten laws"
    "SAY the first of course is never to wage a land war in asia"
    "SAY the second is to mess with this channel"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" kapeesh?"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 53 THEN DO
    "SAY /me makes hand motions towards "nick""
    "SAY heh, and "nick" never thought words could hurt 'em"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" a set of Encyclopedia Britannica falls on top of "nick"'s head"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 54 THEN DO
    "SAY /me picks up "nick" and helps "nick" to accelerate to a good speed"
    "SAY /me conjures a giant windshield just as "nick" reaches maximum velocity"
    "SAY /me watches "nick" make a satisfying *Splat*"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" I bet "nick" won't have the guts to do that again"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 55 THEN DO
    "SAY "nick"'s a lumberjack and "nick"'s okay"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" "nick" sleeps all night and irc's all day"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 56 THEN DO
    "SAY /me takes a rope and securely binds "nick" into immobility"
    "SAY /me notices "nick"'s phone is ringing and decides to answer it"
    "SAY No I'm sorry "nick" can't come to the phone just now"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" "nick"'s kinda tied up...*wait for groan*"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 57 THEN DO
    "SAY SUMMONAE FLAGELESTU AGRAVATI !!!"
    "SAY /me makes motions towards "nick""
    "SAY /me watches as an angry Fart Demon is summoned for "nick""
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" blown off the channel"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 58 THEN DO
    "SAY /me decides to play pin the tail on "nick""
    "SAY /me grabs an industrial strength cement nail gun and locks and loads"
    "SAY /me takes aim at "nick"...and fires... *KACHUNK*"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" ha! nailed em"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 59 THEN DO
    "SAY /me decides "nick" is not worthy of staying here"
    "SAY /me grabs a nearby roto-rooter and shoves "nick" down on it"
    "SAY /me turns the roto-rooter on high power and lets it go"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" how's that for sit and spin?"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 60 THEN DO
    "SAY "nick" I do not think you comprehend"
    "SAY /me grabs a nearby javelin and stuffs it through "nick"'s ears"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" I think perhaps "nick" gets the point now"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 61 THEN DO
    "SAY /me takes "nick" and douses "nick" thoroughly with gasoline"
    "SAY /me takes out a zippo lighter, lights it, and tosses it to "nick""
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" oh... "nick" meant BUD lite"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 62 THEN DO
    "SAY well "nick", it's time for...the wheel of morality"
    "SAY early to rise...early to bed"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" makes a man healthy, but socially dead"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 63 THEN DO
    "SAY /me touches "nick" and watches as "nick"'s skull is magically shrunk"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" no brain...no pain...isn't that what they say?"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 64 THEN DO
    getmynick
    myoldnick = upper(result)
    "SAY /me touches "nick" and watches as "nick" weaves and waddles about"
    "SAY I toss "nick"'s bottle of pepto bismol over my left shoulder and wait"
    "SAY /nick M0ntazuma"
    WAIT 3 secs
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" i got my revenge"
    "SAY /nick "myoldnick""
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 65 THEN DO
    "SAY /me calls dials 1-900-370-3379"
    "SAY 'Hello, and welcome to the Psychic Friends Network...'"
    "SAY 'We predict a kick in "nick"'s future'"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" well what do you know?  they really are psychic!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 66 THEN DO
    "SAY /me *Smacks* "nick" and says 'You're my bitch!!'"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" Bitch Betta Have My Money!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 67 THEN DO
    "SAY /me looks at "nick" and ask 'Does your pussy hurt often ???'"
    "SAY /me gives "nick" A box of Summers Eve"
    "SAY Come back after you douch !!"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" and trim that damn thing!!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 68 THEN DO
    "SAY /me hops into a bulldozer"
    "SAY /me turns on the brights and heads towards "nick""
    "SAY "nick" is helpless to move"
    "SAY /me turns "nick" into roadkill on the information superhighway *splat*"
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" - -- =8^|-<-< -- -"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 69 THEN DO
    "SAY /me tosses "nick" from the very top of this channel"
    "SAY /me watches "nick" plummet towards certain demise"
    "SAY /me sees a large crowd of people gather to try and collect pieces of "nick""
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" because, hey! free dummy!"
    EXIT
END

IF rand = 70 THEN DO
    "SAY is that gasoline i smell?"
    "SAY /me fires a shotgun loaded with engagement rings from those raped and killed by "nick""
    "SAY /me laughs as "nick" turns squirms and smokes to a blackened crisp."
    "SAY /kick "channel nick" i guess it was gasoline"
    EXIT
END
EXIT